Mental health check-in

Not feeling great today. Really depressed. I applied for a 0% loan from the city to replace my 21 yo HVAC system. Found out yesterday that I made too much money because I've been selling my guitar collection and putting the money in my checking account so I can pay bills. Lesson learned. I should have opened an account somewhere else and funneled the money there to hide it. But it doesn't matter. It's too late. Now I won't have AC during another hot and humid Chicago summer and I'll have to live in fear of my furnace dying again over next winter. Being poor sucks. What's worse is that I have the money. I just can't access it because it's locked in a trust. The trust won't be paid until the apartment building I inherited 1/3 of from my mom is sold. That won't happen until my nieces clean out my sister's apartment and we rehab it. Then, hopefully, it will sell relatively quickly. I honestly can't wait to unload it. I've always hated that building. Till then, I'm kinda phucked. And, because I declared bankruptcy in 2015, my credit is still phucked. So getting any sort of financing without usurious interest rates won't happen.
 
PunkKitty said:
Not feeling great today. Really depressed. I applied for a 0% loan from the city to replace my 21 yo HVAC system. Found out yesterday that I made too much money because I've been selling my guitar collection and putting the money in my checking account so I can pay bills. Lesson learned. I should have opened an account somewhere else and funneled the money there to hide it. But it doesn't matter. It's too late. Now I won't have AC during another hot and humid Chicago summer and I'll have to live in fear of my furnace dying again over next winter. Being poor sucks. What's worse is that I have the money. I just can't access it because it's locked in a trust. The trust won't be paid until the apartment building I inherited 1/3 of from my mom is sold. That won't happen until my nieces clean out my sister's apartment and we rehab it. Then, hopefully, it will sell relatively quickly. I honestly can't wait to unload it. I've always hated that building. Till then, I'm kinda phucked. And, because I declared bankruptcy in 2015, my credit is still phucked. So getting any sort of financing without usurious interest rates won't happen.
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Sending mojo.
 
I had to take a minimum 3 month leave of absence from a mental health support group that I was part of for the last 10 years or so. Back in 2016, the president of the group had a really bad manic spell that lasted almost a year. He was psychotic and had to be hospitalized at least 8 times in that time frame. I was VP of the group then, and I had to step in, release him from his duties, and takeover the group to save it. We did well after that. I know I'm a good leader. Fast forward to 2020. Our chapter merged with another chapter. I led that effort. This added 3 more support groups. At that time, I was grooming a successor. I stepped down in 2021, but still continued to facilitate groups on a regular basis. I stayed on the Board of Directors to assist and planned to serve for 2 years. Yesterday I locked horns with the current president over something that should have been a non-issue. This non-issue happened several times in the past. He seemed to think it was a major breach of the Bylaws (which I wrote). I was pissed and threatened to leave the group entirely. He wouldn't budge. At the same time, he is having another issue with another member over something that was said on Facebook. He's mixing personal with business here and asked that member to leave the BOD. Frankly, it's a mess.

A few things I learned from this episode:
- He wasn't as ready to lead the group as I thought he was.
- My volunteer work with the group had become more stressful than beneficial.

Keeping in mind that everyone in the group has mental health issues, this is pretty f'd up. I suspect that he's dealing with imposter syndrome right now. And it hurts because I considered him a good friend. I'm not having any interactions with the group right now. I refuse to answer emails and messages for petty things. I have enough problems in my personal life. Let the BOD make the decisions. I'm still available for emergencies, but that's about it. I need to take care of my mental health needs first.
 
I just lost a very close friend this morning. He had a stroke a year ago and he had some cognitive side effects and some coordination side effects, but for the most part you wouldn't have been able to tell. But he was definitely weakened by it. Then last week he had another stroke and last night he started shutting down. He passed around 8am this morning.

Keep your friends and family close and make sure they know you love them.
 
dmn23 said:
I just lost a very close friend this morning. He had a stroke a year ago and he had some cognitive side effects and some coordination side effects, but for the most part you wouldn't have been able to tell. But he was definitely weakened by it. Then last week he had another stroke and last night he started shutting down. He passed around 8am this morning.

Keep your friends and family close and make sure they know you love them.
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I’m sorry, Mike :(
 
PunkKitty said:
I had to take a minimum 3 month leave of absence from a mental health support group that I was part of for the last 10 years or so. Back in 2016, the president of the group had a really bad manic spell that lasted almost a year. He was psychotic and had to be hospitalized at least 8 times in that time frame. I was VP of the group then, and I had to step in, release him from his duties, and takeover the group to save it. We did well after that. I know I'm a good leader. Fast forward to 2020. Our chapter merged with another chapter. I led that effort. This added 3 more support groups. At that time, I was grooming a successor. I stepped down in 2021, but still continued to facilitate groups on a regular basis. I stayed on the Board of Directors to assist and planned to serve for 2 years. Yesterday I locked horns with the current president over something that should have been a non-issue. This non-issue happened several times in the past. He seemed to think it was a major breach of the Bylaws (which I wrote). I was pissed and threatened to leave the group entirely. He wouldn't budge. At the same time, he is having another issue with another member over something that was said on Facebook. He's mixing personal with business here and asked that member to leave the BOD. Frankly, it's a mess.

A few things I learned from this episode:
- He wasn't as ready to lead the group as I thought he was.
- My volunteer work with the group had become more stressful than beneficial.

Keeping in mind that everyone in the group has mental health issues, this is pretty f'd up. I suspect that he's dealing with imposter syndrome right now. And it hurts because I considered him a good friend. I'm not having any interactions with the group right now. I refuse to answer emails and messages for petty things. I have enough problems in my personal life. Let the BOD make the decisions. I'm still available for emergencies, but that's about it. I need to take care of my mental health needs first.
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Sounds like you are setting some appropriate and needed boundaries for yourself right now. You can revisit that all later when and if you want. Take care of yourself first.
 
dmn23 said:
I just lost a very close friend this morning. He had a stroke a year ago and he had some cognitive side effects and some coordination side effects, but for the most part you wouldn't have been able to tell. But he was definitely weakened by it. Then last week he had another stroke and last night he started shutting down. He passed around 8am this morning.

Keep your friends and family close and make sure they know you love them.
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So very sorry for the loss of your friend. Sending mojo.
 
Ok, my Mom’s internment at the Tahoma National Cemetery up by Auburn/Kent, WA is on Friday. I seem to be a mess. I don’t really know why, but the internment part of losing my Dad was not good either. She has been gone, we had a funeral. I don’t know. I just never have liked the formal and traditional graveside or mausoleum side or whatever thing. Somehow, scattering some ashes out in nature is better like we did with my wife’s sister and Mom. And I couldn’t get to sleep until afte 3 last night. So my emotions are all over the map, and I think my mouth and words are not to be trusted right now. Will try to get ready with whatever work I can get done, get packed for the drive tomorrow, and try to just be quiet today. It does not help my wife’s and my relationship to “share” too much of my turmoil when I am like this.
 
Much mojo. For me, my parent's funeral wasn't bad. But now when I go visit the mausoleum, I'm a total mess.
 
PunkKitty said:
Much mojo. For me, my parent's funeral wasn't bad. But now when I go visit the mausoleum, I'm a total mess.
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Yeah, because of the scheduling at the national cemetery (and I have a very conflicted relationship with military formality and culture anyway), in each case, the internments were weeks to months later. Probably would have been better to do the drive from the church to the cemetery and just get it over with, if that had been possible. I guess since it was my Mom, and my last parent, it has been even a bit harder. On top of everything else from the last 4 years, and Covid, etc. Also, I just should not talk about politics or anything emotional or confrontational right now with people. As my emotions can tend to come out sideways as anger or something resembling anger right now, when I don’t necessarily intend it, and/or it might not be helpful or appropriate for the actual circumstances.
 
I’ve actually been feeling a bit more “normal” the last couple of weeks. The dark clouds have parted somewhat and I seem to have more energy. Have actually been making a little music most days, and managing to get at least one household chore done each day. Still not 100% but I seem to be slowly coming out of an almost yearlong funk.
 
I am just sad tonight. I wish I wasn’t, and feel like there are some reasons not to be. But there are some reasons TO be. And I am. Thanks for giving me a place to share that feeling. Feels better to tell someone.
 
Ok, that was weird. I think I was (am) going through some form of grief, over a few things, including the loss of my Mom, my last kid graduating school, marital issues, etc., and that it manifested as a very emotional night for me. I could not get to sleep either, partly because my youngest is graduating high school (great kid, happy for her, as I said, some things to be happy about) and she was out later than we normally let her, with post midnight check ins. Somehow that turned into some emotional event for me, along with the grief/sadness I was feeling, that turned into what I finally recognized was something like a panic attack. I used to get those a few years ago, and have not really for a while. But something like them seemed to hit me last night. Finally got to sleep after doing two YouTube meditations for anxiety/panic/over thinking.

Ok, will pull that tool out sooner now that I remember, and try to defuse that runaway train feeling so I can process emotion without feeling so out of control. And will talk to my counselor about it at my next session.
 
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Mojo man.

I find Jason Stephenson's YT mindfulness videos for sleep really helpful for not only nodding off but waking up feeling great.
 
jbj said:
Mojo man.

I find Jason Stephenson's YT mindfulness videos for sleep really helpful for not only nodding off but waking up feeling great.
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I find a hit of sour diesel oil and 12mg of melatonin will accomplish the same thing...
 
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