Mental health check-in

sunvalleylaw said:
Mojo.

The process (personal, not legal, that part is fine so far) of getting divorced and moving forward still sucks. I feel like I want to be somewhere but it is gonna be a while before I get to that point on the road. Something like that. Gotta just accept the process and continuum. And let go of any specific outcomes.
Click to expand...


Yep - I completely get where you are right now. Running in place waiting for some non-defined day that forward motion resumes. The waiting IS the hardest part. At least you do not have a legal nightmare like so many divorcing couple have. We avoided that as well. The rest of it is hard enough, even when you know it is for the best. Hang in there and enjoy every sunrise.
 
Finished TJC survey. 12 tags. Highest moderate but I want to fight 2 due to misinterpretation of standards. It's just so frustrating when all we want to do is save lives and we get these nitpicky tags that literally effect no one. I understand the why. Little leads to big and all that but the detail we go to just to get nailed for tiny, insignificant stuff is frustrating. At the end of the day I understand it all. I just work so hard to be perfect and demand perfection and then this. I recognize my faults. I accept them. I just...I just hate it.
 
sunvalleylaw said:
Mojo.

The process (personal, not legal, that part is fine so far) of getting divorced and moving forward still sucks. I feel like I want to be somewhere but it is gonna be a while before I get to that point on the road. Something like that. Gotta just accept the process and continuum. And let go of any specific outcomes.
Click to expand...
I’ve been there, mojo.
 
sunvalleylaw said:
Mojo.

The process (personal, not legal, that part is fine so far) of getting divorced and moving forward still sucks. I feel like I want to be somewhere but it is gonna be a while before I get to that point on the road. Something like that. Gotta just accept the process and continuum. And let go of any specific outcomes.
Click to expand...

Some periods of the transition are just about getting through to the next stage. Try to hang loose ...easier said than done.
 
MonkeyZero said:
Finished TJC survey. 12 tags. Highest moderate but I want to fight 2 due to misinterpretation of standards. It's just so frustrating when all we want to do is save lives and we get these nitpicky tags that literally effect no one. I understand the why. Little leads to big and all that but the detail we go to just to get nailed for tiny, insignificant stuff is frustrating. At the end of the day I understand it all. I just work so hard to be perfect and demand perfection and then this. I recognize my faults. I accept them. I just...I just hate it.
Click to expand...

Mojo man. We're well overdue an inspection and I'm dreading it more for how it'll affect my colleagues than me.

I try not to let the oversight shit bog me down, we're the good guys after all but it does grate when they nit pick.

Side / funny note, last time we had a semi inspection we had a pow wow with staff who would be trusted to take the lead on stuff.

An old colleague sat through the whole briefing before piping up: "we may have an issue, I noticed who the lead auditor is. We went to uni together, good pals for years. We didn't fall out per se but he was engaged to this girl. I kind of stole her from him just before the wedding. You know my Marge.... I mean it was 30 odd years ago and at least we're still together I suppose..."


The dude had clearly not forgiven him when he visited. Most awkward meeting I've ever sat in, it was like something from The Office.
 
ok, new check in. As you know, we are divorcing, and after that decision, I decided to test the dating waters, not right in my town, but in Boise. Didn't mean to fall in with someone I cared about but did.

Well, that person apparently was starting to experience a massive relapse with alcohol, which I did not pick up on until things were getting worse. But by then, I was pretty smitten. This person is british, (irish born and adopted) raised in London with incredible musical taste imo, super kind, very smart, advocate for those she serves as a vocational rehab counselor, loving, swears like Roy Kent at times, makes me smile and feel loved, ... but, also experienced a lot of trauma, some of it sexual, over the course of her life and when active in her addiction, drinks heavily and fast to knock herself out, and the wheels are coming off the cart.

I have been down the alanon road before with my Mom and one of my kids, and I have read a lot on addiction just recently including more empirical theories as opposed or in addition to more faith based 12 step ones, (I think each have there place. Hers is more brain chemistry and trauma therapy). And I have a hard time kicking her to the curb as she wants to get help but has not followed through yet. Had a bed date at what seems to be a good place on Saturday and she passed it up. She set up her own bed date at the same place this coming Wednesday, and I really hope she goes, but fear she may not. And I can control none of it. She talks about dying in plain site like Winehouse or Cobain (she usually talks about the women and even thinks about writing a book about the Dead Girls where the book opens with several dead female artists sitting in the room, Billie Holiday, Amy, Dolores, Whitney, and they say to each other WTF? How did we get here?)

She is a very good and nice person with a big problem. And of course, none of this is anything I should be taking on right now. But kinda too late in a way, so now, my choice is when do I step off the addiction ride and say farewell to a person I love, if she chooses to stay on the ride and not get help? I mean if she was sick with cancer would I walk away? And it is not her first attempt to get help either. So she is jaded on that. Though open to the idea that a different more trauma recovery brain science based approach could help. But yeah, when to say when. Again.

Ok, got that out to other humans I care about and now I will pivot and prepare for some court.

Thanks all.

Steve

Yeah, and didn't really mean to land myself into something like this, or even a meaningful relationship with someone, this early.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Tig
sunvalleylaw said:
ok, new check in. As you know, we are divorcing, and after that decision, I decided to test the dating waters, not right in my town, but in Boise. Didn't mean to fall in with someone I cared about but did.

Well, that person apparently was starting to experience a massive relapse with alcohol, which I did not pick up on until things were getting worse. But by then, I was pretty smitten. This person is british, (irish born and adopted) raised in London with incredible musical taste imo, super kind, very smart, advocate for those she serves as a vocational rehab counselor, loving, swears like Roy Kent at times, makes me smile and feel loved, ... but, also experienced a lot of trauma, some of it sexual, over the course of her life and when active in her addiction, drinks heavily and fast to knock herself out, and the wheels are coming off the cart.

I have been down the alanon road before with my Mom and one of my kids, and I have read a lot on addiction just recently including more empirical theories as opposed or in addition to more faith based 12 step ones, (I think each have there place. (Hers is more brain chemistry and trauma therapy). And I have a hard time kicking her to the curb as she wants to get help but has not followed through yet. Had a bed date at what seems to be a good place on Saturday and she passed it up. She set up her own bed date at the same place this coming Wednesday, and I really hope she goes, but fear she may not. And I can control none of it. She talks about dying in plain site like Winehouse or Cobain (she usually talks about the women and even thinks about writing a book about the Dead Girls where the book opens with several dead female artists sitting in the room, Billie Holiday, Amy, Dolores, Whitney, and they say to each other WTF? How did we get here?)

She is a very good and nice person with a big problem. And of course, none of this is anything I should be taking on right now. But kinda too late in a way, so now, my choice is when do I step off the addiction ride and say farewell to a person I love, if she chooses to stay on the ride and not get help? I mean if she was sick with cancer would I walk away? And it is not her first attempt to get help either. So she is jaded on that. Though open to the idea that a different more trauma recovery brain science based approach could help. But yeah, when to say when. Again.

Ok, got that out to other humans I care about and now I will pivot and prepare for some court.

Thanks all.

Steve

Yeah, and didn't really mean to land myself into something like this, or even a meaningful relationship with someone, this early.
Click to expand...
She definitely needs to address the trauma. 12 steps is not going to do that. As for you staying or going, that's your call. She will need support through recovery but it doesn't have to be you or it could be you but in a different capacity than the current relationship.
Don't let it take over what you need to deal with. If you can manage that, then the extra support for her will be helpful but it's not your responsibility if that makes sense.
If she chooses not to get help I know what I would do but I am not you.
 
MonkeyZero said:
She definitely needs to address the trauma. 12 steps is not going to do that. As for you staying or going, that's your call. She will need support through recovery but it doesn't have to be you or it could be you but in a different capacity than the current relationship.
Don't let it take over what you need to deal with. If you can manage that, then the extra support for her will be helpful but it's not your responsibility if that makes sense.
If she chooses not to get help I know what I would do but I am not you.
Click to expand...
Thank you, MZ. I appreciate the insight. I know what I will have to do if she does not, either because she is unwilling or unable in some way due to the disease, and I will have to at least change the relationship. Going to journal or write a letter or two to her in that regard, not with intent to send yet, but to clarify myself on it. I know myself and can see what will happen. I can support for a while and put things aside a bit, for a time. But not much longer if she does not follow through. As I will let it eat me alive if I don't change my relationship to her disease.
 
That sounds like a very familiar story to me, I was in a relationship with an addict pretty soon after my own divorce…it was the first relationship I was in after my marriage ended. I hung in there as long as I could, and despite her attempting sobriety several times, she always relapsed and things would get ugly and unmanageable. Stressful situation that in the end was just too much for me to handle, especially coming off of a 21 year relationship w/ my ex…I wanted a much easier relationship and in the end just wasn’t willing to deal with all of the drama. She was also a victim of sexual abuse and childhood trauma fwiw. I really did care about her, but it was all just too much at the time. I hope whatever you decide, things turn out for the best and that she gets the help she needs.
 
Machinegunner said:
That sounds like a very familiar story to me, I was in a relationship with an addict pretty soon after my own divorce…it was the first relationship I was in after my marriage ended. I hung in there as long as I could, and despite her attempting sobriety several times, she always relapsed and things would get ugly and unmanageable. Stressful situation that in the end was just too much for me to handle, especially coming off of a 21 year relationship w/ my ex…I wanted a much easier relationship and in the end just wasn’t willing to deal with all of the drama. She was also a victim of sexual abuse and childhood trauma fwiw. I really did care about her, but it was all just too much at the time. I hope whatever you decide, things turn out for the best and that she gets the help she needs.
Click to expand...
That sounds very, very similar. Ugh. I really do love the girl and feel love in return in a way I have not felt maybe ever, certainly not in my long marriage, at least post kids a couple years. So very confusing as to what to do. But I take MZ's advice seriously and respect also what you have to say. I think if she really engages of her own volition with help, I can hang in there for a while and see how the relapse situation goes. OTOH, a pathway I am considering, as I still need to finish getting divorced and rebooting myself, is to say I want to remain in her life as a supportive friend but back off for now while we both work on our stuff, and when I finish my stuff (which now bothers her since she did fall for me, though it didn't at first) and she gets in a better place/well, then we can reengage. A smart (I think) part of me says that if it is right, it will be right still after taking some time to work on ourselves. And that might be the way to go. Still thinking about it. I still need to write those letters and journal to help clarify for myself.
 
sunvalleylaw said:
That sounds very, very similar. Ugh. I really do love the girl and feel love in return in a way I have not felt maybe ever, certainly not in my long marriage, at least post kids a couple years. So very confusing as to what to do. But I take MZ's advice seriously and respect also what you have to say. I think if she really engages of her own volition with help, I can hang in there for a while and see how the relapse situation goes. OTOH, a pathway I am considering, as I still need to finish getting divorced and rebooting myself, is to say I want to remain in her life as a supportive friend but back off for now while we both work on our stuff, and when I finish my stuff (which now bothers her since she did fall for me, though it didn't at first) and she gets in a better place/well, then we can reengage. A smart (I think) part of me says that if it is right, it will be right still after taking some time to work on ourselves. And that might be the way to go. Still thinking about it. I still need to write those letters and journal to help clarify for myself.
Click to expand...

Perhaps @Gary Blanchard might have a few suggestions related to her trauma and addiction connection.

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask her what I could do or be that would aid her in her path to sobriety and happiness. Perhaps other questions that could be asked that won't put her on the defensive, but will open up a safe space for her to talk about her needs and fears.
 
I've come to realize that besides the weather (this grey, gloomy, cold, rainy shit can go fuck itself)... the thing that gets me spiraling into depression faster than anything is not seeing any friends for a long while.

I will joke around with co-workers... but that's like saying you're "friends" with the other "inmates" that you're trapped in the building with. Even my wife isn't the same thing because I can't just be weird or stupid around her without her judging or getting embarrassed, which always has me on guard to a certain extent.

Combine that with friends who have moved away, and I haven't really seen any of my band mates since late fall, and I didn't get to go to NAMM and hang out with any of my friends from here.... it makes me feel super lonely and sad. Like the walking through a crowd but feeling completely alone sad. :cry:
 
baimun said:
I've come to realize that besides the weather (this grey, gloomy, cold, rainy shit can go fuck itself)... the thing that gets me spiraling into depression faster than anything is not seeing any friends for a long while.

I will joke around with co-workers... but that's like saying you're "friends" with the other "inmates" that you're trapped in the building with. Even my wife isn't the same thing because I can't just be weird or stupid around her without her judging or getting embarrassed, which always has me on guard to a certain extent.

Combine that with friends who have moved away, and I haven't really seen any of my band mates since late fall, and I didn't get to go to NAMM and hang out with any of my friends from here.... it makes me feel super lonely and sad. Like the walking through a crowd but feeling completely alone sad. :cry:
Click to expand...
Isolation sucks and contributes to lots of bad things. Mojo.

I am glad I have had contact in person with my ski tribe, (most of whom are weirdos like us guitarists) and mostly remotely here. I am finding as I move from my prior marriage that I want to spend time only with folks with whom I can be myself. At least personal time. One does have to engage with the rest of folks in managing one's existence in the world I guess.
 
baimun said:
I've come to realize that besides the weather (this grey, gloomy, cold, rainy shit can go fuck itself)... the thing that gets me spiraling into depression faster than anything is not seeing any friends for a long while.

I will joke around with co-workers... but that's like saying you're "friends" with the other "inmates" that you're trapped in the building with. Even my wife isn't the same thing because I can't just be weird or stupid around her without her judging or getting embarrassed, which always has me on guard to a certain extent.

Combine that with friends who have moved away, and I haven't really seen any of my band mates since late fall, and I didn't get to go to NAMM and hang out with any of my friends from here.... it makes me feel super lonely and sad. Like the walking through a crowd but feeling completely alone sad. :cry:
Click to expand...

I feel you mate.

My twin brother works full time for himself from home now and with 3 young kids he rarely gets out and he's intimated a few times that he loves the freedom but it gets to him at times.

I'll go for a pint or 2 myself, with Lola or Mrs jbj after work most days and while on paper it isn't particularly healthy, it's a bit like Cheers, there's always someone there to talk to, vent to, make plans to do stuff with etc...
 
I realised mid conversation with a colleague that due to my recent mini promotion, this is the first time in 2 or 3 years that I haven't been actively looking for a promotion outwith my current work.

I love where I work but the hierarchy structure means my options for moving up any further are limited but the situation I've found myself in just now is pretty nice so I've subconsciously acquiesced to sticking around a bit longer.

That's quite nice from a mental health perspective.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top