Mental health check-in

[rickenvox]

Ok, I have been getting ramped up again. I care deeply about social justice. I was raised to believe in our system but turns out it is shit, and change will be very hard to accomplish and take years and years to make anything right. If we can. And there are so many people in denial/cognitive dissonance, etc. And just plain stupid. Wear a fucking mask for Gawd's sake!! Jesus Fucking Christ!

And when shit like this happens, I want to try to fix things, so I try hard at whatever. A board I am on dealing out a little financial help to people in crisis, trying to talk to people and open minds, . . . but procrastinating on my own work. And it stresses me out that I can't fix any of this, though I am the first born sainted privileged son and the Dad and should be able to do something. So, I am amped up a little.

I guess it helps to say it out loud and name it so I can detach a little. Thanks for the thread so I can check in.

mojo -thanks for sharing

I'm getting ready to deploy my project next week. Sending teams out to offices throughout the city to install equipment, test devices, and get ready to swap out old with new setups next week. Still managing a software testing effort with around 100 still open critical testing issues/bugs. We have a Go - No Go meeting Friday, but it's just a formality because we've been told we're going live 7/1 no matter what. Everyday I come home drained with no energy to exercise or do anything productive at home. The only good thing is that this will mostly be over by the end of next week. This has been a two year effort and we're going live during a pandemic. Good times.

 

[sunvalleylaw]

I was doing good until a few weeks ago.
In the past 1 1/2 years I finally got most of my shit together.
Job was going ok.
I quit drinking completely,bought a new Harley.
My body was recovering from the abuse I've done to it.

The VA set me up with a blood test to see how I'm doing after getting sober.
Everything came back great,except for one thing.
I have been diagnosed with CLL .It's a form of leukemia.

The Marine Corps has been sending me letters for the past 10 years about being stationed at Camp Lejune.
The drinking water was contaminated with benzene,and other industrial solvents.
Leukemia is one of the eight diseases the contamination can cause.

I am now working on getting treated,and I have applied for disability through the VA.
If and when my job calls me back,I won't be able to return because of the Covid virus.

It's always the same with me.Things are going good,then I get a kick in the nuts.

At least I can ride the bike,and work on my partscaster keep me distracted a bit.

Mojo!!

 

[wok]

The lockdown is slowly getting to me. I thought I was coping well, but slowly and steadily my anxiety has been creeping up on me.

It nearly cost me my relationship, and I find it harder and harder to not overthink and obsess about every little thing.

Working long hours with the public doesn’t help. When I am home all I want to do is eat and sleep.

Luckily the restrictions here have been eased a bit lately.

 

[jbj]

Hang in there gang.

I've had a few off days but work and getting stuff done around the house has kept me going.

I know it's an old adage but one thing that's noticeably made a difference is exercise. The days I slack off definitely feel harder to get through. Yesterday was a very meh day to begin, chasing up problems that others had created before finishing up work and I was so close to just vegging on the couch because I wasn't in the right mindset but I cracked out half an hour worth of weights and felt so much better for it.

 

[Flamencology]

Really miss teaching in a classroom, and I miss a lot of people. But life has been pretty decent lately. Summer is good for me. Living in a household with 7 people and 3 dogs is good for me. Hiking is good for me. Etc.

 

[dodgechargerfan]

I’ve come to realise that I may have Misophonia.
I know. It’s not understood well enough yet to even be considered a condition.
I’ve been aware of it for years but it’s never been bad enough to affect me too much.
Now, my reaction is visceral.

My only rational is that I have been wearing a headset for most conversations recently and that puts the sounds right into my head and it’s having more of an affect. Either that or I’ve just happened across some talkers that are just the worst lip smackers in the world.

It gets so bad that during certain group calls I will take my headset off when a particular person is talking and watch the visual indicators in the conferencing app to see when he stops talking.

Hearing someone eating isn’t as bad unless they are rushing for some reason and the sounds gets exaggerated because of it. I’ve had to ask my family to slow down their chewing a couple of times. I’ve also had to remind them at times that “I’m sitting right fucking here. Stop talking so loudly.” or I just look them in the eye and stick my fingers in my ears.

To be clear, it’s not loud sound that is the problem. It’s loud talking relative to the ambient noise level. In that context, I’ve noticed that changing the volume of speech within a single sentence drives me nuts too. I don’t mean inflection on a word or two for emphasis. I mean starting quiet and getting louder in an almost linear fashion. Or worse, starting loud and quieting to almost a mumble by the end of a sentence. I am often unable to process what was said in these scenarios.
It’s like my ears get tuned to volume level at the start and the change disrupts the processing. I do hear it, I think. I just don’t completely comprehend it without either hearing it again or replaying it in my head.

 

[sunvalleylaw]

Hang in there gang.

I've had a few off days but work and getting stuff done around the house has kept me going.

I know it's an old adage but one thing that's noticeably made a difference is exercise. The days I slack off definitely feel harder to get through. Yesterday was a very meh day to begin, chasing up problems that others had created before finishing up work and I was so close to just vegging on the couch because I wasn't in the right mindset but I cracked out half an hour worth of weights and felt so much better for it.

Very true, and this work week I have done a poor job of exercise. Good reminder.

It is when I get stuck in procrastination mode, and floored by how things are going out there such that I waste time talking about it on the internet. That is when things are the worst for me. Then I get off course and don't get things done, such as work, admin and billing, exercise, good self care stuff.

And lately, the news has been pretty grim, on many fronts. Thinking I need to detach from it somehow, with some sort of mindfulness exercise, so I don't feel like I have my head in the sand, yet can redirect and get back on track to accomplish some more things during the day.

Mojo to all you folks struggling right now. Thanks for the check in.

And when I hit like on your posts, it is not that I like any of your struggles, just trying to recognize them and your sharing of them.

 

[jbj]

Yeah keeping on top of little things is important for me too. When lockdown started I had a daily list I'd knock things off of.

Apart from cutting back some bushes in the garden I've done all of the big jobs - I'm threatening to file my tax return but not quite in the mood yet

But even little things - as I finished work up yesterday (technically at least) today is a chill day. I'm sitting on my ass drinking beer and playing Xbox but even getting up for 5 minutes to bring the washing in and put the dishwasher on gets those little jobs done and out of the way instead of having to worry about them.

I can't remember who but one of those cleaning gurus uses the phrase "be kind to your future self". Such a simple little phrase but I've been using it a lot since the turn of the year and it's great. They were using it in the context of - your future self is going to have to clean that coffee mug you've just sat in the sink, why don't you clean it just now and your future self doesn't have to.

I've been using it for everything from how I shop to taking out the rubbish to keeping tabs on the hot tub chemical levels - it means shit gets done, it's out of the way and you don't need to worry about it down the line. No idea why it's taken me so long to twig on to it - at uni I was always super early with any assignments or deadlines because "it's going to take 10 hours to do just now or 10 hours to do with a horrible deadline to meet in a months time".

 

[Flamencology]

Nice piece about the plague has impacted mental health in the NYT a few days ago:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/21/health/coronavirus-mental-health-anxiety.html

 

[PunkKitty]

I was doing good until a few weeks ago.
In the past 1 1/2 years I finally got most of my shit together.
Job was going ok.
I quit drinking completely,bought a new Harley.
My body was recovering from the abuse I've done to it.

The VA set me up with a blood test to see how I'm doing after getting sober.
Everything came back great,except for one thing.
I have been diagnosed with CLL .It's a form of leukemia.

The Marine Corps has been sending me letters for the past 10 years about being stationed at Camp Lejune.
The drinking water was contaminated with benzene,and other industrial solvents.
Leukemia is one of the eight diseases the contamination can cause.

I am now working on getting treated,and I have applied for disability through the VA.
If and when my job calls me back,I won't be able to return because of the Covid virus.

It's always the same with me.Things are going good,then I get a kick in the nuts.

At least I can ride the bike,and work on my partscaster keep me distracted a bit.

Mojo.

 

[sunvalleylaw]

Yeah keeping on top of little things is important for me too. When lockdown started I had a daily list I'd knock things off of.

Apart from cutting back some bushes in the garden I've done all of the big jobs - I'm threatening to file my tax return but not quite in the mood yet

But even little things - as I finished work up yesterday (technically at least) today is a chill day. I'm sitting on my ass drinking beer and playing Xbox but even getting up for 5 minutes to bring the washing in and put the dishwasher on gets those little jobs done and out of the way instead of having to worry about them.

I can't remember who but one of those cleaning gurus uses the phrase "be kind to your future self". Such a simple little phrase but I've been using it a lot since the turn of the year and it's great. They were using it in the context of - your future self is going to have to clean that coffee mug you've just sat in the sink, why don't you clean it just now and your future self doesn't have to.

I've been using it for everything from how I shop to taking out the rubbish to keeping tabs on the hot tub chemical levels - it means shit gets done, it's out of the way and you don't need to worry about it down the line. No idea why it's taken me so long to twig on to it - at uni I was always super early with any assignments or deadlines because "it's going to take 10 hours to do just now or 10 hours to do with a horrible deadline to meet in a months time".

Be kind to your future self. I like that.

 

[jbj]

Be kind to your future self. I like that.

Yeah it's a powerful little tenet. My wife has started cooking a lot more during lockdown (apart from the odd mac and cheese, I was head chef here) but she's still not quite got down the - "clean as you go" idea yet - it's a lot easier just to chuck stuff in the bin, dishwasher and wipe stuff down while you're cooking than leave it till it's all piled up, the hob is disgusting and there's a layer of gunk on the worktop!

Anyway - spent the morning playing xbox then cracked out a hard back and arm workout. Totally burst - it's 25c in here even with all of the windows open and a fan blowing. Going to try out a new curry later on then have some drinks and watch junk on the TV. I got the last proper bit of school work finished so my Summer holiday has officially started. I'm feeling good just now.



As an aside - I know this is for us all to be on top of things but if there's anyone you know that maybe need a bit of a hand, reach out to them. A good friend lives alone, hadn't been able to work during lockdown and hadn't really seen anyone except his elderly parents before meeting restrictions were lifted a little. We've invited him round for dinner and some drinks a few times this week. Nothing major, just some beers out the back listening to music and shooting the shit for a few hours and he said it's really made a difference being able to get out of the house and have a bit of company.

 

[jbj]

Had my first meh day since about week 3 of lockdown.

I can't really put my finger on it, I just felt fed up (which is what I felt like in week 3)


Maybe it's because work is finished now, usually we'd be lying on a beach somewhere drinking cocktails not caring about anything. Instead I'm getting up late, faffing about the house playing xbox, reading or watching junk on netflix just to make the day pass.

I've realised over the past few years both with work and the DJing that I'm a lot more driven than I think I am so maybe I just need something to do? I might finally set everything up and do some home recording once the carpets have been replaced in the spare room on Friday.

I forced myself to workout and get some housework done and it's definitely picked my mood up. It's still been a shitty boring day but at least I got some productive stuff done.

 

[wok]

I had the first opportunity to hug and hold my daughter today. It's done both of us so much good, I felt so down lately, this made me feel infinitely better

 

[rickenvox]

I’ve come to realise that I may have Misophonia.
I know. It’s not understood well enough yet to even be considered a condition.
I’ve been aware of it for years but it’s never been bad enough to affect me too much.
Now, my reaction is visceral.

My only rational is that I have been wearing a headset for most conversations recently and that puts the sounds right into my head and it’s having more of an affect. Either that or I’ve just happened across some talkers that are just the worst lip smackers in the world.

It gets so bad that during certain group calls I will take my headset off when a particular person is talking and watch the visual indicators in the conferencing app to see when he stops talking.

Hearing someone eating isn’t as bad unless they are rushing for some reason and the sounds gets exaggerated because of it. I’ve had to ask my family to slow down their chewing a couple of times. I’ve also had to remind them at times that “I’m sitting right fucking here. Stop talking so loudly.” or I just look them in the eye and stick my fingers in my ears.

To be clear, it’s not loud sound that is the problem. It’s loud talking relative to the ambient noise level. In that context, I’ve noticed that changing the volume of speech within a single sentence drives me nuts too. I don’t mean inflection on a word or two for emphasis. I mean starting quiet and getting louder in an almost linear fashion. Or worse, starting loud and quieting to almost a mumble by the end of a sentence. I am often unable to process what was said in these scenarios.
It’s like my ears get tuned to volume level at the start and the change disrupts the processing. I do hear it, I think. I just don’t completely comprehend it without either hearing it again or replaying it in my head.

you need headphones, a mic, and a compressor

 

[rickenvox]

I went to a restaurant for the first time since covid in downtown LA on Friday night. Went with co-workers are we all in need of some relief after working for two years on a project that is deploying this week. I realize that covid cases are spiking here, but we were taking all the precautions (although you can't wear a mask while you're eating). It was just a nice change of pace to be out in public and eat some great food. I'm not doing that often, but sometimes you just need to get in touch with people and the city you live in.

 

[sunvalleylaw]

Had an ok day, and got some stuff done, and got a good bike ride in with my kid. This happened tonight, and I was reminded how shitty the world is right now.

So I had learned a couple years ago, an acquaintance of mine, kinda a friend, had gotten in trouble due to his failure to act during his tenure as the head of USA gymnastics, when that Dr. Nassar abused a bunch of kids. (Gymnastics with kids under 18 is creepy anyway, but that is another thing). Tonight I watched Athlete A on Netflix and learned how bad it was. He would have had knowledge years before any of this came out that this creepy doc was getting complaint after complaint. And it just went into a file cabinet rather than being reported to the police as it should have been. For years. This guy seemed like a really nice guy in college. He got me a job at the Seattle Sheraton, where he worked as some sort of valet, where I parked cars. A fun college job in the 80’s in Seattle. And again, he always really seemed to care about people. I just don’t get this. How do you not just shit can the creepy doc years ago and report his ass? Flummoxed tonight. I just don’t get this world right now. If you watch the Neflix show, you will know who it is. He is also called Steve.

So, I am trying to decide not to let this freak me out. Not sure why it should. Haven’t seen the guy in over 20 years. But still, it feels weird. I think maybe I am feeling too much right now and need to Spock out a little more.

 

[jbj]

Had an ok day, and got some stuff done, and got a good bike ride in with my kid. This happened tonight, and I was reminded how shitty the world is right now.



So, I am trying to decide not to let this freak me out. Not sure why it should. Haven’t seen the guy in over 20 years. But still, it feels weird. I think maybe I am feeling too much right now and need to Spock out a little more.

It's a body blow when you find out something like that - off the top of my head I have worked alongside 2 teaching colleagues who went to jail - one for running his own kiddie porn forum and another for historical abuse. I knew a guy at uni who went to jail for molesting his own nephew who wasn't even 1 and a girl I went to school with / hooked up with and is still friendly with Mrs JBJ's dad got caught downloading kiddie porn.

It's a total mind fuck and I know exactly where you're coming from - apart from the real weirdos, predators don't make a point of coming across as creepy.

It will pass - to me I try to contextualise it to get some really bad news like someone has passed away unexpectedly - it's hard to process right then and there but it does pass.

I'll need to watch that doc if it's on UK Netflix. One of the first things we were told in teaching college is you don't come into contact with a kid, even if you're standing in a doorway and they're coming towards you, move out of the way, don't try to stop them. One of the others was - report any suspicions you may have.

I know people don't, wether it's through guilt or not wanting to be a grass or whatever but silence is implicitly condoning the actions and sadly the seems what your man seems to have done.

 

[sunvalleylaw]

It's a body blow when you find out something like that - off the top of my head I have worked alongside 2 teaching colleagues who went to jail - one for running his own kiddie porn forum and another for historical abuse. I knew a guy at uni who went to jail for molesting his own nephew who wasn't even 1 and a girl I went to school with / hooked up with and is still friendly with Mrs JBJ's dad got caught downloading kiddie porn.

It's a total mind fuck and I know exactly where you're coming from - apart from the real weirdos, predators don't make a point of coming across as creepy.

It will pass - to me I try to contextualise it to get some really bad news like someone has passed away unexpectedly - it's hard to process right then and there but it does pass.

I'll need to watch that doc if it's on UK Netflix. One of the first things we were told in teaching college is you don't come into contact with a kid, even if you're standing in a doorway and they're coming towards you, move out of the way, don't try to stop them. One of the others was - report any suspicions you may have.

I know people don't, wether it's through guilt or not wanting to be a grass or whatever but silence is implicitly condoning the actions and sadly the seems what your man seems to have done.

This guy was not personally the abuser, but he was the CEO/President of USA Gymnastics, and from the program, it appears that when he became aware of complaints about the sexual abuse being performed by the team doc he did not report them to the authorities as required by law, but instead put the complainants off saying they were doing an investigation to get to the bottom of it (which the organization sort of did, but that is not the point, you have to report it). The guy I knew years ago was the man at the top and was in dereliction of his duty under law, which likely led to the doc abusing more young girls over the time of his delay. It appears this might have been motivated or justified as he was a marketing expert and had worked hard on building the image and value of the USA Gymnastics “brand” so, well, I don’t want to speak for him or guess. Just looks like that motivation caused him to not fulfill his duty under law, in a manner that resulted in further damage to kids. *sigh*.

 

[jbj]

This guy was not personally the abuser, but he was the CEO/President of USA Gymnastics, and from the program, it appears that when he became aware of complaints about the sexual abuse being performed by the team doc he did not report them to the authorities as required by law, but instead put the complainants off saying they were doing an investigation to get to the bottom of it (which the organization sort of did, but that is not the point, you have to report it). The guy I knew years ago was the man at the top and was in dereliction of his duty under law, which likely led to the doc abusing more young girls over the time of his delay. It appears this might have been motivated or justified as he was a marketing expert and had worked hard on building the image and value of the USA Gymnastics “brand” so, well, I don’t want to speak for him or guess. Just looks like that motivation caused him to not fulfill his duty under law, in a manner that resulted in further damage to kids. *sigh*.

Yeah I get that. It's no different from me not reporting a kid or staff member I've got concerns about - I'll take being a PITA and causing someone to answer for their actions or have to do their job for safeguarding purposes all day long over being implicit in some sort of abuse or illegal act going down.

I used to work in one of the top state schools in the country in their Autism base. One of the kids was a poster boy for middle class neglect. He was a total pain a lot of the time due to his ASD but his dad would get a drink in him and slap him about, his mum wouldn't check to see if he'd take his meds, he'd stay up all night and do mad stuff like climb on the roof because he wanted to see the stars and stuff - he'd get sent to his grandparents who would openly tell him they couldn't stand him because of the way he was. His sister was pretty much the same.

The shit I got from the family, social work and the school from my direct superior right up to the Head Teacher for just doing my job to safeguard this kid was unbelievable.

School didn't want police or social workers being brought on site to question me and the kid when an allegation was made (this happened roughly every 2 months)

Social work got pissed off because it just became noise to them - they knew it was going on and me calling them out for ANOTHER hiding the kid got or him threatening to run away was quite the inconvenience and use of resources.

And you can imagine what the family reacted like. I never met dad and mum was always over lovely in person but when you'd to phone her big important job asking if her kid had taken his meds because he was catatonic....

And you know what, I'd do it all over again and then some. That was a hard hard fucking job I nearly burned myself out on and, being honest, I did my best as I could but it wasn't enough - what I can do is sleep well at night knowing that I did my bit - not just because it's the law and my duty of care as far as safeguarding is concerned, but because it's the right fucking thing to do.