Mental health check-in

DinoMikeSr said:
Been a weighty few months; at the moment direction is positive. For anyone who’s had a spouse pass away (was 57 when she passed, together since we were 14) do you stop feeling alone even when you are with people you love? I’m in a relationship with a wonderful woman but man it’s weird, cold and alone will just hit me at weird times. I’m not suicidal, I just remember who’s not here and it’s just like it happened yesterday all over again. I have so many good memories of my past life and find myself recalling them and even laughing out loud. I miss her.
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Much mojo.
 
DinoMikeSr said:
Been a weighty few months; at the moment direction is positive. For anyone who’s had a spouse pass away (was 57 when she passed, together since we were 14) do you stop feeling alone even when you are with people you love? I’m in a relationship with a wonderful woman but man it’s weird, cold and alone will just hit me at weird times. I’m not suicidal, I just remember who’s not here and it’s just like it happened yesterday all over again. I have so many good memories of my past life and find myself recalling them and even laughing out loud. I miss her.
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Yeah mojo

I don't have an equivalent but I don't think you ever stop remembering and thinking about someone important to you who isn't there anymore. I think that's normal and it fades a bit with time but I doubt it ever goes away completely. I still have times were I feel hurt and anger and remorse over my ex wife leaving me even though I've been in almost the perfect relationship for +30 years now and I haven't seen or heard from my ex in longer than that :shrug:
 
Got demoted and had to go in for a bus refresher course 12 hours later, then had a passenger shatter a window on a bus a few days after that. All in the same week. Now I'm sitting on the couch feeling like i have to puke, for no apparent reason.

Not doing good, man.
 
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Kelly said:
Got demoted and had to go in for a bus refresher course 12 hours later, then had a passenger shatter a window on a bus a few days after that. All in the same week. Now I'm sitting on the couch feeling like i have to puke, for no apparent reason.

Not doing good, man.
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Hang in there. This one is over and a new day is starting with a new outlook. Trained and ready to do it better than ever. You got this, I know you do.
 
Kelly said:
Got demoted and had to go in for a bus refresher course 12 hours later, then had a passenger shatter a window on a bus a few days after that. All in the same week. Now I'm sitting on the couch feeling like i have to puke, for no apparent reason.

Not doing good, man.
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Mojo!
 
Kelly said:
Got demoted and had to go in for a bus refresher course 12 hours later, then had a passenger shatter a window on a bus a few days after that. All in the same week. Now I'm sitting on the couch feeling like i have to puke, for no apparent reason.

Not doing good, man.
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That SUCKS!!! So sorry. Much mojo.
 
Kelly said:
Got demoted and had to go in for a bus refresher course 12 hours later, then had a passenger shatter a window on a bus a few days after that. All in the same week. Now I'm sitting on the couch feeling like i have to puke, for no apparent reason.

Not doing good, man.
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That sucks. My step-sister drives busses in Phoenix and shit like that happens with passengers pretty regularly there, too :(
 
Gonna be whiny for a minute. ‘Cuz this is the place for it. Mother’s Day. My mom voted for Trump in the last election and is now dead. I got there in time to spend time with her on a level we could do, but it was not authentic, as I couldn’t call her out on her BS. And my oldest trans child appreciated that her Nana seemed to love her after she came out, and treated her with love. I did not tell Maxine her Nana voted for Trump. Not sure that helps anything. She’s dead anyway, and a happy memory for Maxine.

Also, trying to continue to work on authenticity, and an actual relationship with actual emotional and physical intimacy, with my wife, but she is struggling with me actually having and expressing emotions, without running away or turning to some project. I gave her a pod cast to listen to from Glennon Doyle, with Brene’ Brown discussing actually listening to and discussing your partner’s emotions, rather than responding in the way that is more comfortable for you and more about your own fears or needs to control. Told her about it on the way down to Mexico with her, and then the SCOTUS news hit, and I was told basically to not talk about it during vacation. While we sat at some time share with a bunch of fat ugly Americans. On the way home, one of those fat Americans cut in front of us, and a Mexican family, at the airport, and when I called the guy out on it, at least to make a point, she got mad at me. So I had to explain why I felt I needed to call the fat fuck out, and she said she understood. And that passed. But more inauthentic water under the bridge.

Going to remind her to listen to that podcast tomorrow, as she obviously did not find time while sitting near the pool to do that. Though I reminded her while I was upset about the court leak, that she should listen to that to understand why her response was not helpful.

So, made dinner for her tonight and played (fake) nice, and will try again tomorrow. I still think it is better to try and work through this rather than start over. But she better start pulling her oar with some zeal.
 
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sunvalleylaw said:
Gonna be whiny for a minute. ‘Cuz this is the place for it. Mother’s Day. My mom voted for Trump in the last election and is now dead. I got there in time to spend time with her on a level we could do, but it was not authentic, as I couldn’t call her out on her BS. And my oldest trans child appreciated that her Nana seemed to love her after she came out, and treated her with love. I did not tell Maxine her Nana voted for Trump. Not sure that helps anything. She’s dead anyway, and a happy memory for Maxine.

Also, trying to continue to work on authenticity, and an actual relationship with actual emotional and physical intimacy, with my wife, but she is struggling with me actually having and expressing emotions, without running away or turning to some project. I gave her a pod cast to listen to from Glennon Doyle, with Brene’ Brown discussing actually listening to and discussing your partner’s emotions, rather than responding in the way that is more comfortable for you and more about your own fears or needs to control. Told her about it on the way down to Mexico with her, and then the SCOTUS news hit, and I was told basically to not talk about it during vacation. While we sat at some time share with a bunch of fat ugly Americans. On the way home, one of those fat Americans cut in front of us, and a Mexican family, at the airport, and when I called the guy out on it, at least to make a point, she got mad at me. So I had to explain why I felt I needed to call the fat fuck out, and she said she understood. And that passed. But more inauthentic water under the bridge.

Going to remind her to listen to that podcast tomorrow, as she obviously did not find time while sitting near the pool to do that. Though I reminded her while I was upset about the court leak, that she should listen to that to understand why her response was not helpful.

So, made dinner for her tonight and played (fake) nice, and will try again tomorrow. I still think it is better to try and work through this rather than start over. But she better start pulling her oar with some zeal.
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Mojo
 
sunvalleylaw said:
Gonna be whiny for a minute. ‘Cuz this is the place for it. Mother’s Day. My mom voted for Trump in the last election and is now dead. I got there in time to spend time with her on a level we could do, but it was not authentic, as I couldn’t call her out on her BS. And my oldest trans child appreciated that her Nana seemed to love her after she came out, and treated her with love. I did not tell Maxine her Nana voted for Trump. Not sure that helps anything. She’s dead anyway, and a happy memory for Maxine.

Also, trying to continue to work on authenticity, and an actual relationship with actual emotional and physical intimacy, with my wife, but she is struggling with me actually having and expressing emotions, without running away or turning to some project. I gave her a pod cast to listen to from Glennon Doyle, with Brene’ Brown discussing actually listening to and discussing your partner’s emotions, rather than responding in the way that is more comfortable for you and more about your own fears or needs to control. Told her about it on the way down to Mexico with her, and then the SCOTUS news hit, and I was told basically to not talk about it during vacation. While we sat at some time share with a bunch of fat ugly Americans. On the way home, one of those fat Americans cut in front of us, and a Mexican family, at the airport, and when I called the guy out on it, at least to make a point, she got mad at me. So I had to explain why I felt I needed to call the fat fuck out, and she said she understood. And that passed. But more inauthentic water under the bridge.

Going to remind her to listen to that podcast tomorrow, as she obviously did not find time while sitting near the pool to do that. Though I reminded her while I was upset about the court leak, that she should listen to that to understand why her response was not helpful.

So, made dinner for her tonight and played (fake) nice, and will try again tomorrow. I still think it is better to try and work through this rather than start over. But she better start pulling her oar with some zeal.
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Mojo.
 
@sunvalleylaw — it’s probably better that your mom was kind to Maxine and voted for Trump than if she voted for Biden but was nasty or unaccepting of Maxine. People are complicated and fallible, but it sounds like your mom got the more important thing right.

I hope things work out with your spouse. I wouldn’t worry too much about “authenticity” which might simply be a matter or style/sensibility/aesthetic preference. One of the 20th century’s big prophets of “authenticity” as a virtue/source of meaning was also (at best) a sellout to the Nazis to keep his career or (more likely) an actual Nazi. So, authenticity might not be all it’s cracked up to be.
 
Peen Simmons said:
@sunvalleylaw — it’s probably better that your mom was kind to Maxine and voted for Trump than if she voted for Biden but was nasty or unaccepting of Maxine. People are complicated and fallible, but it sounds like your mom got the more important thing right.

I hope things work out with your spouse. I wouldn’t worry too much about “authenticity” which might simply be a matter or style/sensibility/aesthetic preference. One of the 20th century’s big prophets of “authenticity” as a virtue/source of meaning was also (at best) a sellout to the Nazis to keep his career or (more likely) an actual Nazi. So, authenticity might not be all it’s cracked up to be.
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Thanks, everyone. Been having these later night freak outs lately where the fears and hard emotions seem to crash down on me like waves on steep shore break. Will do some more personal work on that, and learning to cope. I also think you are all right on my Mom. And it is one reason I am glad we did spend time before her end on this world, despite how hypocritical and annoying I could find her to be. During that time, I was reminded of all she went through in her life as a smart women held back by her society and times, and that she did not navigate all that perfectly was at least forgivable. I was just in a weird place about it last night. And I am glad she got it right with Maxine, at least in their personal relationship.

With regard to what you say about style/sensibility/aesthetic preference, I do think there is something there, as Gwen definitely comes from a Dutch background on emotions, even though she does not speak Dutch, and was raised ostensibly in an American tradition. We are talking about that in our counseling, and with regard to our personality differences and different needs, and how we might better support one another. So that is good. I just need her to dig in more in learning why that is important to me. And I guess I will need to learn how I can express my emotions in a way that she can hear and not run away from.

I am not sure what is going on with authenticity and naziism or what that refers to. I was more of the attitude that it is better to get under anger and outward acting out stuff and get real, and support one another in that. But I don’t know. I wasn’t raised myself to deal with emotions well. Stiff upper lip, whistle while you work, pennies from heaven, put on a happy face, all that.
 
sunvalleylaw said:
Gonna be whiny for a minute. ‘Cuz this is the place for it. Mother’s Day. My mom voted for Trump in the last election and is now dead. I got there in time to spend time with her on a level we could do, but it was not authentic, as I couldn’t call her out on her BS. And my oldest trans child appreciated that her Nana seemed to love her after she came out, and treated her with love. I did not tell Maxine her Nana voted for Trump. Not sure that helps anything. She’s dead anyway, and a happy memory for Maxine.

Also, trying to continue to work on authenticity, and an actual relationship with actual emotional and physical intimacy, with my wife, but she is struggling with me actually having and expressing emotions, without running away or turning to some project. I gave her a pod cast to listen to from Glennon Doyle, with Brene’ Brown discussing actually listening to and discussing your partner’s emotions, rather than responding in the way that is more comfortable for you and more about your own fears or needs to control. Told her about it on the way down to Mexico with her, and then the SCOTUS news hit, and I was told basically to not talk about it during vacation. While we sat at some time share with a bunch of fat ugly Americans. On the way home, one of those fat Americans cut in front of us, and a Mexican family, at the airport, and when I called the guy out on it, at least to make a point, she got mad at me. So I had to explain why I felt I needed to call the fat fuck out, and she said she understood. And that passed. But more inauthentic water under the bridge.

Going to remind her to listen to that podcast tomorrow, as she obviously did not find time while sitting near the pool to do that. Though I reminded her while I was upset about the court leak, that she should listen to that to understand why her response was not helpful.

So, made dinner for her tonight and played (fake) nice, and will try again tomorrow. I still think it is better to try and work through this rather than start over. But she better start pulling her oar with some zeal.
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Prayers and mojo.

I've been there, and it did not work out for me, but I think we were too far down the wrong road to make the u-turn happen and save the relationship. I learned a heck of a lot from that disaster though and made some changes that have definitely benefited me. Something that has helped me was the a book by Gary Chapman about the 5 Love Languages. Gary is a Christian counselor/pastor, but his 5 Love Languages are more human behavior based and apply quite well to everyone in relationships regardless of beliefs.
 
Denverdave said:
Prayers and mojo.

I've been there, and it did not work out for me, but I think we were too far down the wrong road to make the u-turn happen and save the relationship. I learned a heck of a lot from that disaster though and made some changes that have definitely benefited me. Something that has helped me was the a book by Gary Chapman about the 5 Love Languages. Gary is a Christian counselor/pastor, but his 5 Love Languages are more human behavior based and apply quite well to everyone in relationships regardless of beliefs.
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Thanks Dave. And sorry again yours did not work out. I know that was hard.

I have seen that stuff, and we talked some about that, and are working on it. And going beyond with other personality stuff as well.

Glennon Doyle had a pod cast episode with Brene’ Brown who talked about themes in a book she has out now about considering and dealing with each other’s emotions, which is what I want Gwen to listen to. But I think there may be, even if logically there should not be, some differences in how guys and women approach that stuff. And going back to when Gwen and I listened to the John Grey (I think) Men are from Mars, Women from Venus stuff, half of those stereotypes were reversed in our case.

Bottom line, I would like to be able to express valid emotions in a healthy way, and be allowed to do so. And maybe even supported in doing so. I would like to do and be the same for Gwen.

Not throwing in the towel yet. Nor is she. and I have homework to do, to support myself, and continue to expand my understanding.
 
sunvalleylaw said:
I am not sure what is going on with authenticity and naziism or what that refers to.
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Martin+Heidegger.jpg
 
sunvalleylaw said:
Thanks Dave. And sorry again yours did not work out. I know that was hard.

I have seen that stuff, and we talked some about that, and are working on it. And going beyond with other personality stuff as well.

Glennon Doyle had a pod cast episode with Brene’ Brown who talked about themes in a book she has out now about considering and dealing with each other’s emotions, which is what I want Gwen to listen to. But I think there may be, even if logically there should not be, some differences in how guys and women approach that stuff. And going back to when Gwen and I listened to the John Grey (I think) Men are from Mars, Women from Venus stuff, half of those stereotypes were reversed in our case.

Bottom line, I would like to be able to express valid emotions in a healthy way, and be allowed to do so. And maybe even supported in doing so. I would like to do and be the same for Gwen.

Not throwing in the towel yet. Nor is she. and I have homework to do, to support myself, and continue to expand my understanding.
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No matter what, you have to be you. You both need to have that freedom within the relationship. Sure, we make accommodations to keep the peace and to provide the necessary space.

Sorry, but I'm having a difficult time expressing complex things lately, so allow me to use some Rush lyrics that might actually shine a little light. Hopefully this doesn't come across as cheesy.

We are secrets to each other
Each one's life a novel
No-one else has read
Even joined in bonds of love
We're linked to one another
By such slender threads

We are planets to each other
Drifting in our orbits
To a brief eclipse
Each of us a world apart
Alone and yet together
Like two passing ships

Just between us
I think it's time for us to recognize
The differences we sometimes feared to show
Just between us
I think it's time for us to realize
The spaces in between
Leave room
For you and I to grow

We are strangers to each other
Full of sliding panels
An illusion show
Acting well-rehearsed routines
Or playing from the heart?
It's hard for one to know

Just between us
I think it's time for us to recognize
The differences we sometimes feared to show
Just between us
I think it's time for us to realize
The spaces in between
Leave room
For you and I to grow

We are islands to each other
Building hopeful bridges
On a troubled sea
Some are burned or swept away
Some we would not choose
But we're not always free

Just between us
I think it's time for us to recognize
The differences we sometimes feared to show
Just between us
I think it's time for us to realize
The spaces in between
Leave room
For you and I to grow

 
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