I have some generalized anxiety, and the counselors have said some seems related to old PTSD from some family crap from somewhere. Over the last few years, had worked through a lot of it and was making good headway in a lot of areas. Here is where I am not.
My focus is poor. I don’t tend to stay on track with things I am trying to accomplish.
Some of the rest of the feeling statements are not rational, and I know that. But they are the feelings that they are. So will just state them.
I am pissed that I am again the sole breadwinner for my family, and on top of that , this is the time normally I am coming off having two jobs and get a break. Attempting to work from home does not feel like a break, but a constant reminder that I should somehow be working and moving forward. This feeling is particularly shitty as my wife had absolutely no control over being told to shut down her person to person chiropractic practice, so feeling pissed that it is all on me again doesn’t look well. So I don’t say that one out loud around the house. (This is one of the irrational, or at least not pretty ones).
I had put a lot of work into my law practice, and things were going well. Work was getting easier to accomplish, had made some financial strides, business wise and personal, had hired some help. Was proud of the work.
Now that all feels like it is in the shitter. (When I step back, I realize that that is not the case, and so far, it has been only a break in productivity similar to a spring break that would normally happen anyway. I can settle down and start to recover some of my momentum, and do ok all things considered).
Worried about my trans kid who is still working at Target, has anxiety and mental health challenges, and etc. We had a great visit recently when she came and skied with me. Best day we had had in years. But now communication is back to limited text only. When she is stressed, I cannot push that communication, though I want to be there for her and help.
Pissed about the state of politics here in this state, at least not right around where I live.
Pissed about the federal govt.
Being pissed doesn’t help my focus or help me accomplish what I want to have done in a day.
Circle closes and starts over again.
My counseling is not happening. I have a good therapist who has helped me make the strides I have made in becoming a better me and more satisfied with my work, etc. I need to reach out and see if we can do zoom or something. Haven;t got that communication done.
Oh, also, when the mountain shut down, I became unemployed in terms of health insurance through Sinclair Oil, who owns the place. I normally would have stayed on an extra month by teaching into April. Then go on cobra. Cobra payments are like a second mortgage payment. Though it still works out better overall typically when I am 6 months on 6 months off, as compared to what I could buy for us as a self employed person. So, extra expense there when one of our incomes is down. Gwen usually covers that bill.
Oh, and here is one that feels selfish. I had started to save, and have mostly saved, some funds to buy a new gravel bike for my mental health and physical health and enjoyment. It was ordered before this all went down and is at the shop, which is closed indefinately. Hoping, but not sure, that I can still pull off that purchase. May have to redirect those funds to other family needs. And it pisses me off. Yeah, makes me feel selfish.
So yeah, I need to see if I can arrange to get set up with Lydia via zoom or something. Will make a call to St. Luke’s Wood River Mental health.
