Bazooka Joe gum came with a little comic. Remember that? They were never funny

That motherfucker Mort told us to wear a mask decades ago and did we listen? Hell no.

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Tralfaz said:
He imagined his eye would be soft and slippery like Jell-O when he popped it into his mouth, dissolving quickly in a transient experience for which the only memento would be his gaping eye socket forever silently screaming behind the eye patch. Instead, he discovered during a revelatory ecstasy of pain that his eye was actually quite chewy -- unpliant and unyielding, refusing to move on from the moment -- the unseeing eye a witness to the teeth. With each struggle of his jaw to crush the eye, Joe could hear it mocking him, mocking his pain, screaming into his mouth with a voice that became his own, "CHEW ME JOE! CHOKE ON MY UNFORGIVING SCORN! CHEW UNTIL YOUR JAWS ACHE, FOR I AM THE EYE THAT SEES YOUR PATHETIC WORTHLESSNESS! CHEW!"

Thus, Bazooka Joe was led to develop the special gum that recreates and commemorates that special moment so that all kids can chew and learn, without having to lose an eye to gain that wisdom.
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Damn Skippy that's f'd up. I puked in my mouth a little.
 
CST said:
Baseball card bubble gum was always hard & stale. Chewed it anyway.
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i always liked it despite having the initial texture of a sliver of wood. a guy i used to work with had a baseball card gum air freshener in his office. the scent was spot on.
 
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