November original song reveal!!!

Denverdave

Resident Ragamuffin
Here are all the submissions to the November original song 'challenge'. All originals written in the past month. Some are finished products, some are still ideas that are still being birthed.

A HUGE thank you to everyone who contributed. I personally needed the kick in the ass to get something done. First original I have written in about 5 years.

So - with no further ado.......

Gary Blanchard - Be The Change



Rsadasiv - Fantasy Of Fifty



Peen Simmons
- Good Queen Bess



Micwalt
- I Can't Find You



Tamoore
- He Can't Love You Like I Can



Denverdave - Waiting For The Rain



Sunvalleylaw - Just One Step

"This is the first thing I have ever tried to write. I have never tried to write a song before. It is the instrumental portion of a song I envision being entitled something like "Just one Step" or something like that. I have some half baked lyrics, but they are not finished. They come out of some family trouble I was having last year, where I was pretty concerned. All I could do was just decide to do the next indicated thing and to take a step and keep walking. Ok, so that is the premise. I was damn nervous recording it, and it shows a little. But, I wanted to get it out there, to commit me to finishing the process, and to get a few comments if you guys have any. It is intended to resolve with a determined decision to walk on, while fighting off in various times in the song, a lot of angst and fear that threatens to undo the subject. The E chord is the resolution (to walk) the D is angst, the C can be transitional. I put a bridge or something in there at the last minute, and it shows I did not have that part well thought out yet. But, here it is. Thanks for listening."

 
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Sunvalleylaw - Just One Step

"This is the first thing I have ever tried to write. I have never tried to write a song before. It is the instrumental portion of a song I envision being entitled something like "Just one Step" or something like that. I have some half baked lyrics, but they are not finished. They come out of some family trouble I was having last year, where I was pretty concerned. All I could do was just decide to do the next indicated thing and to take a step and keep walking. Ok, so that is the premise. I was damn nervous recording it, and it shows a little. But, I wanted to get it out there, to commit me to finishing the process, and to get a few comments if you guys have any. It is intended to resolve with a determined decision to walk on, while fighting off in various times in the song, a lot of angst and fear that threatens to undo the subject. The E chord is the resolution (to walk) the D is angst, the C can be transitional. I put a bridge or something in there at the last minute, and it shows I did not have that part well thought out yet. But, here it is. Thanks for listening."



Thanks for doing this Dave! I have never written anything, but submitting even my beginner half-baked effort is more than I have ever done before. I hope to finish it this next month with a new recording.

So ok, here are some half baked lyrics to include with it to give the idea of what I was trying to go for. I found one of my old notes, and tried to work some up from there night before last. Rough draft for discussion. Melody and rhythm follows chords and strumming closely. Though I still have some rhythm issues making it fit. I kinda forgot I could make an underlying chord structure and have the melody more over the top of it. I also may want to de-personalize it a bit with more artistic expression vs. the free flow of consciousness approach this pretty much is. So, for your further comment, . . .


One More Step

E
Well, it’s morning, there’s Red sky dawning
E
Mind is foggy, sailor’s warning
C
Just get up, go fight the good fight
C
nothing done just lying here


E
Where’s my robe, I need more coffee
E
Need some money, pay the bills
C
But, anger flashes, fuse ignites,
C
wonder if you took your pills


D
Will we make it through this day
D
Oh Lord please help me now!
C
God help get me through this day
C
Help me up, and get walking



E
Just take one step, just get moving
E
Time to work, and go start proving
C
I’m so tired, the stress keeps building
C
Lazy fuck you just go get moving


E
Checking in, now shots are fired
E
Take a swing, we’re all so wired
C
It’s your house, but our house too
C
No one’s happy, way too blue



D
Think I am forsaken now
D
Or I might be just broken
C
No I’m not forsaken now
C
But I might just be breaking




Just one step, take one more

Get up, come one take just one more

>>>> still working on it.






Bridge

Am
Feels like I’m losing you, oh no
Em
Feels just like your gone, oh gone
Am
But you are not lost, not lost
Em
and you are not gone, not gone
G
Could it be, could be
C
That you're moving on, and on

E
Just get up, one more step . . .

>>>>>>>Still working on it.
 
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Here's a clickable link to my song on the soundcloud. Not sure why I never had an account before.
 
Thanks, Dave, for pulling this together!

Rsadasiv - That had a wonderful 80s feel to it. Sadly, the speakers in my computer made it hard to hear all the words.

Peen Simmons - That was a nice, stripped-down song. I picked up on a real Kinks vibe on this.

MicWalt - Quite a production. I'd tell you it had a Kenny Loggins feel, but not everyone appreciates KL the way I do, so some might not like that association.

Tamoore - Wow, that was really good. Glad you got the link fixed; I would have hated to miss it.

Denver Dave - A very cool song, and I loved the guitar sound.

Sunvalleylaw - It sounds like the makings of a very powerful song.
 
Gary,
I heard this song when you posted the youtube clip, and remembering it was a really good folk song. I love the droning nature of the instruments you chose for the composition. It's a wonderfully calming piece of music. Nice recording too.

Rasadasiv,
Yep. 80's all the way - in the greatest of ways. It's actually one of my favorites I've heard from you. All of the elements work together, and hit the vibe perfectly. Your voice is perfect for this style also. Love the words, the melody, all of it. Nailed it!

Peen,
I like it. nice simple groove married to a good melody. Would love to hear a full fleshed out arrangement of this.

Mike,
You're just simply amazing. Love hearing your stuff, as it's always perfect. This is a departure for you in many ways - but still has your essence all over it. Real 70's AM radio stuff - which I love. Going on the USB stick for the car for sure.

Tamoore
I took a 6 or 7 year hiatus from playing or writing, but lately I've had a lot to say. I wrote this song on Friday in about 40 minutes. Wrote the chorus at 5:embarrassed:0am driving to town to get coffee. It just kind of fell out. I put the recording studio back together in a new location, and this is really the first thing I've put together this week, It has a guide vocal track that I just threw down basically the first time I ever took a shot at singing the song. I intended on replacing before this morning, but never found the time, It'll get better as I work on it (I hope). Thanks for listening. Lots more coming. :wink:

Dave,
Wow. Very nice. I love the sound texture you set up as it matches the theme of the song perfectly I actually feel the rain come with the change at "when it comes!". Very great song. I like it a lot sir.

Sun Valley,
The first song is always takes the longest. Get that one out, and they'll start coming more easily. Sounds like you've got a solid start, and I like the lyrics you've come up with, definitely feel the angst.
 
Ok, I have to leave the office and go do ski ed team stuff for the afternoon, so only got a chance to listen to the first few bars of each. They are sound great in the first bars! I am not worthy to be in the company, but glad I put something in, to motivate me to finish it. I look forward to listening to each more fully later and commenting. Good stuff!
 
Gary - I mentioned it before and I'll say it again. Wonderful lyrics and the music really reflects the calm thoughtfulness the lyric proposes. Excellent.

Rsadisiv - I really like this. Good thought in the lyrics. Your vocal to my ears has a Bryan Ferry quality to it on this song in the tone and phrasing.

Peen Simmons - Very cool. I love the chord progression and the feel. Any plans for a full blown production on this one?

Micwalt - I mentioned it on FB and will again here. I heard some Jelly Fish in this one. As usual - this is amazing pro quality stuff.

tamoore - He is back with a vengeance! Great lyrics and I like the early 60s/old country feel to this one. Almost a classic Byrds feel to this ala Sweetheart of the Rodeo era. Glad you found your muse.

sunvalleylaw - You have a really good song in the making here. Keep after it! Good lyrics - good feel in the music. Can't wait to here the finished product.
 
Gary - Lovely sentiment and a wonderfully mellow vibe.
Rsadasiv - Very '80s feel. Like the piano. And I dig the "da da da da" in the intro--it works for me.
Peen - I'm hoping for a full band version of this someday--a '90s alternative affair, replete with questionably tuned pawn shop guitars, super lo-fi production and an early Weezer melodic guitar solo.
Tamoore - So great that you've rejoined us and are back to making music. You're off to a great start. I look forward to hearing this completed, with the full-on G33K production values we've come to expect.
Dave - I dig it--very moody. Very nice vocal performance too.
Sun Valley - I'd say you've got all the makings for a song right there! Now just put it all together. And don't stop with just one. Keep working at it. Nice job!
 
Gary - I already gushed about this song when you first released it, and I still like it very, very much. It made me feel a lot better to listen to on November 9, and still does.

Rsadasiv- Very cool! I got an 80's vibe too. Specifically, an OMD vibe, along with one other band I can't think of right now. In any case, very cool.

Peen Simmons - Really liked the core rhythm and vibe. Hmm. Weezer style solo as micwalt says? Maybe, maybe. I could see there being a shift from this basic sound to an big, overdriven distorted chorus, 90's style. That could fit easily! But fun as is.

Micwalt - no fair sounding so professional!! Just kidding. Great sounding song. Wonderful vocal. I would buy this song and put it on my playlist. Gives me a summer vibe.

Tamoore - Immediately gave me the feel like I was at a country roadhouse tav with that killer band you did not expect to see there. And great song. Loved the harmonies. Also enjoyed the solo quite a bit. I don't mind it being sparsely produced. But that is the way I tend to be on decisions like that. Screw it. I am "buying" this one too and putting it on my phone.

D-Dave! Dang! Man after my own heart. I love this style. And I love this song and sound. Also, love the rain references. I am from Tacoma after all. Great vox too. Also liked the guitar fills and tonez.

Great work guys!
 
Now, can you guys point me in a direction to help finish this? I intend it to be one that can be performed with one guitar, nothing else. But I also envision it being a bit Nirvana like in that it can be quiet, then ramped up, distorted and shrieking. the part that has me stuck a little is how to construct the melody. YOu can hear the melody I am hearing in my head in the guitar, but, I get stuck with the timing of the words a bit, and could detach the singing of the lyrics from the guitar strumming, but get a little stuck doing so. Not looking for anyone to do it for me, but can anyone suggest how to go about experimenting with that? Maybe just singing words over it until something comes? That is the best I can come up with. Probably in the car when no one else will hear. Just sing along and see what happens.

Also, with writing the rest of the lyrics out, can you give me some thoughts on maybe making it a little less literal/stream of consciousness and more artistic? Like referring to the pain without describing it so literally?

As I said, I have never tried to do this before. So some basic pointers would be appreciated.
 
El Blanchardo -- well done song in the hopey/changey vein (even though I disagree with the sentiment). It is hard to pull this sort of song off given that it's basically built on aphorisms, but you've done an admirable job of avoiding preachiness with a relatable, reassuring melodic line. Were you consciously playing with the conventional notion of "darkness falls" or was that a happy accident?

R-Dad -- I dug the wordless vocal hook a ton. And I like the denouement...both melodically and structurally. I'd be tempted to trim a verse to tighten up the run time and the narrative. I'd almost like to hear a sans production arrangement to get a feel for the bones of the thing...because that fun vocal hook takes my mind of the critical path.

Satan's Little Helper -- You've clearly sold your soul for unnatural gifts. Everything here is rendered (too?) prettily. If I were to quibble (and I will) the "plot" of the song is circular with no real rising or falling action. The whole thing ends where it begins with no real change for the speaker/singer. Also, there's a lack of specificity--which is a trait that many people prize in a pop tune (anyone can relate!), but that I find plops a song in the music version of the uncanny valley where I cannot tell if the song is about a lover, Jesus, or similar.

Toeshoes -- Well put together with a sturdy melodic line. The rhymes snap into place well...except for "deserve/suburbs" which I found myself thinking about at the end of the song after each listen. As far as quibbles go, this one seems to have the opposite issue from micwalt's tune. The speaker seems to have a very specific situation in mind, but the vague language of pop walls the listener off from the details of the scenario. So by the end, something has obviously happened, but the listener doesn't have any deep knowledge. Also, the specific melodic flourish at "I want to be your only plan" reminds me of something else I can't quite put a finger on. Maybe a Matthew Sweet tune. Driving me bonkers, but that's my problem.

LegalWeedSteve -- Arrangement/recording is an effective blending of modern hard rock and AAA folky rock tropes. Vocal melody is sturdy and approachable. I'm not certain what the conceit is lyricwise. What is "the rain" in this tune? Surely it isn't the literal rain? What is happening in this tune? Also, I'll give you a pass this time, but use of cliches like "deafening quiet" typically earn songwriters a hot bucket of weasels. I'm certain 99% of listeners don't care about this stuff given that the tune sounds very good. But I'm a stickler.

valleyofendlessnight -- Seems like you're on to something. I'd like to hear it when it's all put together. As you stitch this thing up, you might find that that "fuck you" is unearned when you get to it. I'd have an alternative line in my back pocket just in case.
 
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LegalWeedSteve -- Arrangement/recording is an effective blending of modern hard rock and AAA folky rock tropes. Vocal melody is sturdy and approachable. I'm not certain what the conceit is lyricwise. What is "the rain" in this tune? Surely it isn't the literal rain? What is happening in this tune? Also, I'll give you a pass this time, but use of cliches like "deafening quiet" typically earn songwriters a hot bucket of weasels. I'm certain 99% of listeners don't care about this stuff given that the tune sounds very good. But I'm a stickler.

First off - thanks for the feedback - I appreciate it. I do fall into lyrical cliches at times. I actually had to rewrite the last verse after the first vocal run through. Instead of quiet I originally used silence (which I still prefer), but all the 'ess' sounds did not record well so I had a last minute rewrite. I may do another rewrite if I can

The rain? I had a actual story for the lyric but like many songwriters I admire, I prefer the listener to filling the blanks for themselves. The 'actual' meaning would be a bit obscure for most anyways.
 
I had a actual story for the lyric but like many songwriters I admire, I prefer the listener to filling the blanks for themselves. The 'actual' meaning would be a bit obscure for most anyways.
This is something I want to play with with my lyrics. I want to express the feeling of it, but maybe make it a bit less factual in nature.
 
Again, I restate my suggestion that we each work on an original murder ballad for next month. Traditional song forms are great tutors how to both show and tell in a compact narrative space like a song.

Plus there's plenty of primo examples to pilfer from.
 
The story of my song.



http://rsadasiv.tumblr.com/post/151331672052/the-fantasy-of-fifty-the-women-stayed-up-past

An Octoberfest party in the neighborhood. Thrown by the parents of a kid r-diddy jr #1 has been friends with since kindergarten, and most of the attendees were part of the same social network. The hostess, who was not wearing her glasses that night and was having trouble seeing her iPod well enough to accurately DJ the party soundtrack (which included that MBV song), suddenly looked up at Mrs. S and I and said "You guys look just the same", which was funny in a Mr. Magoo kind of way.

We stayed out too late and I did forget to drink enough water when we got home, which gave me a hangover the next day and a sinus infection that stuck around for a couple of weeks afterwards.

THE END
 
Gary Blanchard - Be The Change

I think I commented on the laptop/webcam demo. This sounds much, much better (that string pad is a very tasteful addition as well). Appreciate the sentiment and it is something worth repeating.


Peen Simmons - Good Queen Bess

Verse riff is catchy. I appreciated when the bridge came around, although I might have wanted the bridge less if there was a little more chorus between all of those verses.


Micwalt - I Can't Find You

Very Jellyfish. Beautifully played and recorded as usual. Drums are effective and the harmonies and backing vocals are luscious.


Tamoore - He Can't Love You Like I Can

Time to get back in the songwriting saddle. Looking forward to much more from you. The vocal chops will come back and the guitar chops seem like they never left, and you still have a way with a hook.


Denverdave - Waiting For The Rain

Guitars sound great, and for all your complaining about drum loops the drum track fits well.


Sunvalleylaw - Just One Step

That's the ticket. Write it up and sing it out!
 
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