Embracing silence...

jelloman

Couch'd Tater...
I sponsor a young woman on Patreon (Homemade Wanderlust) who has thru-hiked the Appalachian and Pacific Crest trails, and will be hiking the Continental Divide trail this year...I asked her once what was the most surprising thing she learned about herself on the trail, expecting something like how much pain she could endure or how much she appreciated the beauty of nature, but she answered "how noisy my mind is"...

It's both very simple and very profound...we have so many things to think about; decisions to make, problems to solve, ideas to pursue, issues to resolve, that our minds are in a constant state of motion, never quieting down enough to really appreciate the moment or even tune in for a moment to what the universe may be trying to tell us...

I learned yesterday that a very good friend of mine is going through a pretty heavy episode of marital discord and doesn't think they're going to hold things together much longer...they're in counseling but the issues appear to run so deep that there's not much hope of finding a resolution...it really sucks because I care very deeply about both of them and there's nothing I can do to help...it's my nature, I guess, to want to fix things, and it's all I can do to keep from jumping in the car and running over there to do something (what I don't know)...the only thing stopping me is the fact that they live too far away...

This, of course, has me thinking about my own situation...I've gone through a number of changes, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, over the past several years, but I still don't have a clear idea at this point of who I've become, and who I want to be...

I've made no secret that I often seek out companionship in non-standard (and questionably legal) ways...last year I fell into what can loosely be termed a "relationship" with a someone close by and we had even started discussing possibilities for an actual future together when she retired from her current situation...last September/October it all came to a crashing end...she of course blamed me, and I have my own version of what happened, the truth probably lying somewhere in between...but in the end the only thing I feel I did wrong was make a really bad decision of who to love and care about...

I put myself onto a couple dating sites, hoping to meet someone and have something real for a change...after a number of false starts and really bad dates I started communicating with someone about a month ago I had a really good feeling about, and after a couple weeks of messaging we had what I felt was a really positive first date...I asked her for a second date thinking she may have felt at least some of what I had and after a week of back and forth she turned me down..."You're a really great guy, and I'd love for us to be friends, but I just don't feel that 'spark' of romance"...it's funny but I've heard those words from so many women in her position that they've ceased to have an meaning...(even funnier is the fact that the only women who ever have were the ones I was paying to lie to me about it)...I wanted to get mad at her but it wasn't her fault that she didn't feel what any other woman ever has, it wasn't her fault that I allowed myself to hope that this time would be different, that she would be different, or even that I would be different...

The one thing good that came out of that episode was the fact that she told me she was a practicing Buddhist and I got curious enough about that to do a little research...I have to admit that there is a lot about Buddhism I find compelling, and there are even some aspects of it that I've already embraced without knowing...

One of those things is the idea of embracing silence to clear your mind and possibly tune into some channel of the universe that may be trying to tell me something...this morning I've been doing exactly that...I've been going about the morning routine I have without the TV on or music playing for background noise to drown out the noises in my mind...it's something I need to do more often...

I'm not sure why I'm telling all of this...
 
You might find meditating very useful, it’s exactly what you want: quieting down your mind, letting go of all the clutter.

Buddhism teaches that your thoughts are not you, your mind is just tricking you into thinking it is. Meditating lets you see that your thoughts are just thoughts, and when you realise that, you can let go of them.

We are taught from youth to plan ahead, plan for the future but we forget to live in the now. Most of our worries are about things that have not happened (yet).
 
I sponsor a young woman on Patreon (Homemade Wanderlust) who has thru-hiked the Appalachian and Pacific Crest trails, and will be hiking the Continental Divide trail this year...I asked her once what was the most surprising thing she learned about herself on the trail, expecting something like how much pain she could endure or how much she appreciated the beauty of nature, but she answered "how noisy my mind is"...


One of those things is the idea of embracing silence to clear your mind and possibly tune into some channel of the universe that may be trying to tell me something...this morning I've been doing exactly that...I've been going about the morning routine I have without the TV on or music playing for background noise to drown out the noises in my mind...it's something I need to do more often...

I'm not sure why I'm telling all of this...

When I read this, I was thinking of my own situation in a more "clinical" way if that's the right word. Meditation of some sort may be what I'm doing when I completely disengage from the hectic work schedule and all that comes with it, deadlines, deliverables, meetings, telecons, emails, you get the idea. From the moment I wake on a workday, my phone starts with emails, before I even leave the house. I keep my phone on silent, the constant audible alerts every time someone sends me something or copied gives me sinking sensation I can feel, same with my work computer, and I keep the speakers turned down. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to get anything done.

And the end of the day, I chuck that phone on my nightstand and leave it there. I got out to my little workshop and immerse myself in something simple, cleaning up and old radio, or fixing a broken widget, whatever. I totally have to disengage myself from the day's madness. After work and back at home, playing guitar is a wonderful therapeutic sort of meditation for me. I put a guitar wall hanger in my office, and hung up an old campfire special Ibanez. I don't get to it very often.

When weekends come, I do the same, or go out to dinner, something quiet. Silence can be a wonderful thing. This is an extended weekend with a federal holiday. I even took off Tuesday to make a "four-day" weekend. I have to do this, and I wonder why or how others have no problem with staying engaged 24/7. I'd lose my mind if I didn't have breaks from all of this craziness.
 
I live alone, always have and it's the way i like it. Needless to say i have plenty of quiet time but I am usually 'engaged" in something or other be it a movie, a ballgame, , a podcast, reading or listening to an audio book ,etc. rarely do i do more than one thing at a time though with the exception of cooking (i will listen to audiobook, music or podcast) or on the computer (music). I try to stay in the present...but uhm yeah i am /have been for years on first terms with "quiet"....I'm preety much super mellow because of it (bordering on catatonic at times :embarrassed: ) I've gone camping many times solo (with my dog) and it's great to just be out in nature with no noise other than nature....walking/running with a dog for me is one of lifes great simple pleasures (obviously no radio or anything)...it's pretty much walking meditation.

Quiet is good, I'm pretty sure i take it for granted.
 
It took me quite some time to be okay with myself. Living the 12 steps allowed me to do this as it has gotten me through good times and bad times. Do whatever it takes. Then all will be good.
 
We already practice some form of mind quietening activity of one sort or another. Most common to this group is simply playing guitar. If the usual noise and busy thoughts are active in your head while you are playing, you are either wood shedding/taking a lesson, or you're doing it wrong.

From my own experiences, the mind is quiet when surfing, skydiving, riding a trail, kayaking and playing guitar. We all seek those active moments when we are busy and fully involved with something and our minds are quiet. Artists paint or sculpt. A song writer's best work happens when it flows onto the page or recording, not when they think it through too much.
 
I sponsor a young woman on Patreon (Homemade Wanderlust)

I don't know what this is.

I think it's more of a male phenomena that we tend to read more into a situation than what's there. The most passionate relationships I have had, it was obvious from the start that there was mutual attraction. But it's not always males I know doing this. I have a close female friend who is always telling me the details of her dates and the phone conversations or texts afterwards. Whenever she says "what do you think that means?" my answer is most always "he's not interested, if he were you would know it and not have to ask." And sadly I am mostly right. And she's a gorgeous, great positive person. But she's dating people from dating sites who are dating multiple people at the same time and ranking and prioritizing them. And of course with guys, the women who puts out first usually gets their "heart" (not really their heart). I do have some guy friends that have gotten so used to rejection they think the way to get a women is to ask several times, even after getting rejected. That's a little sad. I don't know where you live but I can imagine that while it's hard enough finding someone you connect with in a big city, there are other places where it's damn near impossible. Then there are always women around you who would be interested, but because of their looks you're not. So it's complicated. I also find that if I'm not completely in harmony with a woman, then it's a struggle and draining. It ultimately affects everything else I'm trying to accomplish in life and I don't get much done. I would rather be by myself or hanging out with those friends with benefits than get in a draining relationship because we aren't in tune and respectful of each other. If they're complaining about what you're doing or you're complaining about what they're doing or wanting to go out with friends, etc. it's the wrong relationship. I imagine it's much easier for 2 people who have finished seeking out new things in life and just want to hang out with each other all of the time. I'll probably never be that person.

Good luck, not an easy task.
 
I don't know what this is
Jessica "Dixie" Mills has a YouTube channel named "Homemade Wanderlust" and does vlogs from the trail...I'm one of her original Patreon sponsors...

Thanks for the words, btw...I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to continue the online dating deal, it's becoming a bit soul crushing right now...
 
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Jessica "Dixie" Mills has a YouTube channel named "Homemade Wanderlust" and does vlogs from the trail...I'm one of her original Patreon sponsors...

Thanks for the words, btw...I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to continue the online dating deal, it's becoming a bit soul crushing right now...

I'll have to check that out. I've always wanted to do the Pacific Crest Trail, and on a smaller scale hike the entire John Muir Trail (I've done sections, and hiked from the eastern to the western Sierras).

I love to travel and meet women in other places.
 
I too sponsor someone on Patreon who is exactly the opposite. He's loud and hyper but quiets my mind because he takes me away from my "real" life. Quieting your mind does not have to involve quieting your environment. I personally can't stand physical quiet. The tinnitus drives me crazy. The TV is on at my house 24/7. Quieting the mind could take place at a KISS concert. It involves getting rid of the garbage that in constantly going through your mind. Thinking about that meeting tomorrow, did I pay the electric bill, I've got to remember to take the car for an oil change, etc. This is the stuff that is the "noise" in your mind you have to get rid of to have a quiet mind. It is restful to get away from the thoughts that clutter our minds. We meditate to achieve a quiet mind.
 
The trick is actually knowing what that is...

For many people, it is an ever-evolving thing, or number of things. It can be whatever works for you right now.

I still do most of the things I've done since I was a kid - music, motorcycle, surfing, video games. Some things have been added and/or removed along the way. I'd gotten into kiteboarding a few years ago, and I really love that. I enjoy the sports that allow me to commune with nature, in a way. Also, I'm pretty ADD, so it's rare that my mind is quiet. Most of my list of things focuses my mind somewhat, but there's never much quiet up there.

It's all about "mans search for meaning", and is a very personal journey. I believe that it's more about fulfillment.
 
It was interesting.....

My wife and I separated in early 2014 and I got my own apartment late that year. I realized at that point that at the age of 53 (at the time), that was the first time I had lived alone in my life. I liked it to the point that I was pretty hesitant to give that up when the possibility of remarriage entered the picture. I do enjoy solitude and silence for periods of time. And a lot of my best prayer times are when I am off by myself on a trail hiking or running.

So there is definitely something to the times when we can just quiet our minds and our environments (to the extent we can).

As for the online dating thing....yeah....it can be a cesspool. I was very fortunate that I did not have to go that route. I'm not sure I would have even if I had not accidently met my current wife.
 
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